It's a Funny Feeling

After nearly one month, I'm still getting used to this Motherhood thing. Nursing is a time-consuming and mind-numbing affair, so I'm rarely without my iPhone or iPad for company during these times. Sometimes, at a particularly engrossed moment, my concentration breaks because she moves or makes a noise and I look down at her, only to be mildly startled that I have a baby - my baby at that - sitting on my lap. Suckling on my breast which is miraculously producing life-sustaining milk for her.

And there are times where I catch myself being amused with her baby antics where normally I would be annoyed or at least unmoved. That's when I realise that I am slowly morphing into a Mother.

At other, less distracted times, I look down at Baby K, and it suddenly strikes me that this little being lying on my lap is an actual person. Not just a baby, mind, but a human being who will eventually grow up and have a mind of her own. One day, she will outgrow my lap, outgrow the home, and even outgrow me, to a certain extent (just hopefully not 100%).

Motherhood really isn't something that happens overnight. It sort of grows into you, creeping up to you bit by bit until you come to the realisation that you are now responsible for this little being for many years to come, and will continue to feel responsible for her long after she ceases to require it.

I think (I hope) I will enjoy the role for a while to come.

I'm Starting to Get Asked This a Lot

Singapore isn't really a pet-friendly society yet. To be specific, a dog-friendly society. The closer I got to my due date, the more I got asked: What about your dog?

The underlying statement seems to be that, with a baby in the family, it necessitates that the dog has to go, or at least be locked up somewhere lest it attacks and/or devours the baby. And perhaps some people have hang-ups about how animals could trigger allergies in babies.

I'm not saying that their concerns are unfounded. I have my concerns, too: that Guinness would be too rough with Baby K too, or that he would not welcome her arrival into our pack, at least initially. But as his adoptive family, we have a responsibility to ensure that we do the necessary groundwork to ease her into his life. We have to at least try, not throw up our hands and surrender the moment we know we're going to have a baby.

For example, once I found out I was expecting, we started enforcing the "No Jumping" rule strictly. We also read up on how to introduce a baby to the pet dog (for the record, before baby goes home, we should let the pet dog sniff some items of clothing she has worn before, to get acquainted to her scent).

And that's only the responsible thing to do, right? Once we make a decision to adopt a dog, that decision should be for the dog's entire life, and not until we experience a major change in ours lives, whether it be moving homes, uprooting to another country, or, in our case, the arrival of a new member to the family.

On that note, some links I find helpful on introducing the pet dog to the new pack member:

Tips from Cesar Millan
The Pet Friendly House
Introducing Dogs & Babies

Wish us luck!

The First Night Home

On Tuesday Baby K and I were discharged from the hospital and went home to my parents', where we will hole up for the period of our confinement. Away from the safety of the hospital and its nurses for the first time, I was a little insecure at first, but the afternoon turned out to be quite routine, and I managed to handle my first diaper change, first change of clothes and first tuck-in-of-baby quite uneventfully. Soon I felt pretty settled and confident. Even the graveyard shift seemed no different from my three nights at the hospital. One feed around midnight, and then another feed in the middle of the night. Granted, it was a little early, and she pooped in the middle of her feed, but it was still manageable.

But that changed around 5am.

Baby K started making a fuss again, and I got out of bed to nurse her. During the earlier feed, I had learnt that she liked to drop off to sleep without filling her tummy properly, so this time I wised up and offered the other breast even though she had unlatched voluntarily and seemed to be sleeping contentedly. But again, she went to potty during her feed, so I had to change her diaper again. (Again?! Diapers don't come cheap, Baby K!)

After that I thought she would settle down and be lulled into sleep, but her eyes remained bright, open, and looking up at me. Me, with my drooping eyelids and semi-hallucinatory mind. I tried burping her, but no luck. I also tried putting her down in her crib, but still, those bright eyes continued to stare up at me. Entertain me, Mummy, she seemed to say. Never mind that it was nearly 7am, and the sky had started to turn light.

Finally, running out of ideas, I decided to nurse her again.

And lo and behold, it actually worked. It took nary five minutes and she was out cold. It was just like magic. I could finally crawl back into bed...

When the door opened, and my mum popped her head in.

"Do you want breakfast?"

Oh hell, why not.

How I Officially Became a Mother

On Friday night, when I took my pre-bedtime pee break, I noticed my discharge had turned a dull brown, kind of like the kind you get at the end or beginning of a period. A tiny wave of panic went through me: was this "it"? The show that you get indicating that labour was imminent.

When I got out of the loo, The Hubbers was already fast asleep. I took out my copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and flipped to the relevant page. Labour could set in in a matter of hours, but it could also stretch to days, it read. I reached out and tapped The Hubbers.

"Hey. I have brownish discharge."

"Huh... what?"

"It could be a sign of labour."

"Huh?! Then how?"

"Dunno leh."

"Tell Dr Ching tomorrow..."

"... Ok."

Hmph.

The next morning at the clinic, I flipped through the book again. It said brownish discharge could be a false alarm. Ok, so maybe I wasn't having my baby yet.

"So, how are you?" Dr Ching's usual opening line.

"Ok... baby's head still hasn't turned down... and yesterday night there was some brownish discharge."

A short pause. "Any contractions?"

"No, nothing yet."

I had my ultrasound scan, which was ultra quick, and then got back down.

"Well, since it has come to this, we might as well get the baby out today."

A stunned silence. The Hubbers and I looked at each other.

"Huh?!"

"Well, then what do you want to do? No point waiting already, it could be anytime. If you wait, you may have one leg come out first, or the cord may drop out, do you want to take that risk or not?"

"But I... "

"You are already at 38 weeks. Do you think it is likely that the baby's head will still turn?"

I started to tear. Noooo! I didn't plan for a c-section! I want a natural birth! I'm afraid of the epidural, the pain after the op, and I feel I have no control whatsoever of something so major that's going to happen to me!

Dr Ching's tone softened a little, and started to reason with me a little more gently. The truth was, I knew I didn't have much choice. Which mother would want to risk her baby's precious life after carrying it inside of her for 9 full months? Also, even if I could wait, Chye couldn't. He had a plane to catch the night itself. If I didn't opt for the surgery, chances of him missing Baby K's arrival was very high.

So we discussed surgery options, the nurses made arrangements for an anesthetist and pediatrician, we made the necessary calls to inform our families, and then went to get our admission papers in order. Yes, I was admitted into the hospital on the spot. The operation was scheduled for that very afternoon.

The Hubbers had to rush home to bring my birthing bag and all the other things I needed for my confinement; he nearly couldn't make it back in time before I had to be wheeled into the operating theatre. Thankfully Baby K's Godma was there to keep me and my nerves company.

I had to undergo the epidural injection on my own first, though, and that was the part that scared me the most. I'm most sensitive about my spine. At salons, I always squirm when they shave the back of my head because the vibrations travel down to my spine, so what more a needle on the operating table? I was scared to bits. It didn't help that the OT was cold, which exacerbated the shivering that was brought on by the jab. Not too long after I was asked questions on pain levels using a pin prick as a gauge. But what freaked me out (and what made them increase the dosage of the medication) was when I felt a scalpel being drawn across my skin.

"I can still feel it! I can feel the knife!!" I panicked. And then I was knocked out.

The next thing I knew, The Hubbers was seated next to me, calling out my name, and the operation was already well on its way. I felt tugging and pulling in the lower half of my body, and almost too quickly, I felt a large mass being removed from my womb.

"She's out!" I said, or something to that effect. I can't really recall.

Then, the life changing wail of Baby K rang out in the room. I remember being amazed by how loud her cries were. Next, Plop! Someone placed Baby K's pale wet body on my chest. The anesthetist offered to take a picture. I managed to muster the brightest smile I could amidst my drowsiness. And a quick peck on her cheek later, they whisked her away to take her weight, measurements, and basic tests. The Hubbers went along with her.

And that was it. Baby K had officially arrived.

What happened next was rather anti-climatic, involving me lying sedately on the operating table while Dr Ching sewed me up while chatting about politics with the anesthetist. There was a lot of wheeling and waiting (and shivering), wheeling and waiting, before I was finally pushed back out, but the entire operation apparently only took about half an hour.

And that was it! How I officially became a mother.

Edit: It was the pediatrician who took our photo, not the anesthetist. I was heavily drugged, ok?